Now having been here in Santa Monica for a few months, and with a month of that being without my Mum I am really starting to feel quite at home. Over the last couple of weeks I've planned little day trips out and about Los Angeles and so far they've all been a success! I've been to Malibu, Zuma Beach, The Grove in LA, Venice, and Beverly Hills; some I got the bus to and others I've used my bike.
Being able to make plans like this for myself with others has been extremely difficult over the past years, for many reasons...I'd feel anxious, scared, worried and panic that what we planned wouldn't quite work out or I'd regret having gone out and wished I'd never made any plans to go out in the first place.
There have in fact been situations when my Mum and I plan a lovely trip out, not anything too substantial, just some sweet and simple. But I'd freak out and panic and we'd then have to either cancel the plan and not go; or if we had already left, turn round and go back. This has been the case more times than I can count on my fingers.
The worst thing about having to cancel plans or feeling anxious about making plans is I worry that I'm upsetting the other person who I'm making plans with. For example, when my Mum and I have made plans previously and unfortunately had to cancel, I felt so bad, and guilty and that I've ruined things. This then caused me to stop making any plans what so ever.
It hasn't just been with my Mum that I've panicked and had to cancel; over the last four years or even longer there have been multiple times I've had to cancel on my friends, on going to parties, or just a day out; even just meeting up for a casual day in town...all because I was worried about being in a situation where I'd feel anxious, panicky, and freak out.
I now know after speaking to many professionals about this, that I am not alone, at all and that in fact there are many people who suffer with anxiety and panic attacks. Now with being more aware of my anxiety, over my time here in America I have really wanted to stand up for myself and concur things that I would have been to terrified to do in the past.
I started to work on this right at the beginning when I was in New York with my Sister, Anna, and continued to do so here with my Mum in Santa Monica. I can delightfully say that I am now an a lot more confident in myself to make plans and to enjoy them.
This makes me so amazingly happy and excites me!
To end this post, I just want to say - make the most of every moment, but don't put pressure on yourself, enjoy yourself for you deserve it!
Lots of love x